- Name a month after her, force it into all the calendars in the house. Surely she will appear during her own month?
- Sit in the dark, light a candle by your face and wait for her kisses to gather like moths.
- Cut off the heads of celebrity bodies in magazines and place her face over them instead. Then marvel at her new found fashion sense.
Mount Rushmoreinto all the blocks of cheese in the fridge. All the presidents have her face.
- Free yourself from this obsession by accepting that you already possess all that you will ever need and this senseless grasping is damaging to the soul… no wait, that’s crazy talk. Go back instead to ringing everybody in the phone book with the same name as hers. Just in case they’ve seen her around.
- Find a space, any space. Imagine you’re that shape. Like the space in the centre of a record. Go on, be that shape for a second. Does it feel cool? Does it feel existential? No? Okay, it was worth a shot.
- Don’t trust yourself. Videotape yourself sleeping, in case you’re getting up to no good while your consciousness is looking the other way.
- Turn up early at the Camberwell market carrying a powerful torch with all the other bargain hunters. Shine the torch into the stallholders faces and ask if they’ve seen a beautiful girl rummaging through their things. If they say no, shine the torch in their face again and ask, “bright enough for ya?”
- Get health insurance.