I’m a curious boy.
I’ve always been told.
I like doing things, just to see what will happen.
Lately I’ve been standing on the nature strip outside my house a lot.
I like looking at my house from the outside and wondering about what sort of person would live there.
When I get bored of staring at my house, I walk a couple of metres to the right and I stare at my neighbour’s house. Sometimes I take a video camera with me. Just in case something happens. Like if a fire broke out, or if a small passenger plane crashed into the roof. I would be there to get it on film
You can sell vision like that to television stations, and make a lot of money.
Nothing has happened yet.
I got quite excited once when I saw smoke coming out of the window of my neighbour’s kitchen.
Turned out it was just his toast burning.
I filmed it anyway, in case it escalated into something more serious.
I sent the tape to Australia’s Funniest Home Videos.
They sent it back with a note saying “Not funny enough.”
So I sent them back a note saying “Yeah, well I guess you had to be there.”
My neighbour is a crazy old bastard called CW Muttonchops. He doesn’t like me standing out the front of his house much. Lately he has taken to throwing potatoes at me from his front porch. Always potatoes.
I take them home with me and make them into chips. I’m getting a bit sick of eating chips now and I wish he would throw something else.
He hasn’t always throw things at me.
When I first moved into the area I went from door to door to introduce myself. CW Muttonchops was the only one who let me beyond the security door.
I asked him what he did for a living.
He told me “I’m a Nazi Hunter.”
A week later he accused me of being a Nazi War Criminal.
I said on what evidence?
He pointed to my Volkswagen Bug parked in my driveway. And he said the Nazi Empire was built on the production of Volkswagens.
I told him that was true… but I wasn’t there at the time.
He didn’t seem convinced.
The potato throwing started soon after.
Last week I was standing on the nature strip again.
I had previously found an old hair dryer in CW Muttonchops garbage bin.
I had the idea of standing on the nature strip and pointing the hair dryer like a speed camera at passing traffic.
Just to see what would happen.
Six out of ten cars slowed down dramatically. I thought I could really lower the accident rate on my street by doing this.
Yesterday while I was pointing the hair dryer at traffic a black BMW slowed down and then pulled up to the curb.
I was ready to make a run for it when a Buddhist monk stepped out from the back seat. He was wearing orange perfumed robes and a shaved head.
I relaxed when I saw the monk, but then I remembered that some monks know Kung Fu… so I was still a little on my guard.
He put his hand on my arm. His skin felt warm and tender.
He said to me “Are you seeking happiness or pleasure?”
I said “happiness.” I couldn’t remember what pleasure was like, but I remembered what it was like to be happy.
He smiled at this response and from beneath his robes he produced a glass jar full of scrabble letters.
He told me that whenever I wanted to be happy I was to think of a word that brought happiness to me and then I was to find the letters in this jar that spelt that word and then I was to place it somewhere in my house where I would see it often.
It was the nicest thing anyone has ever given me.
I’m sitting at my kitchen table right now, and I’m looking at the four plastic scrabble letters spread out before me.
They are H-O-M-E.