blue and white and blue

“Where are you going to go?”
“Who said I was going?”
“I know from the way you rub your hands across your pants while you sit. It means you’re anxious Cal. It means you’re going to do something you’re not sure of. Something maybe… maybe not the thing you should do. You know one of those ideas you have that look pretty on the outside but are empty on the inside?”
“Like a newsreader?”
“Yeah. Those newsreader ideas you have. You having one of those now?”
“Just because I rub my hands across my pants Ginnie, doesn’t mean, doesn’t mean anything.”
“You’re doing it again.”
“Am not, it was just a bit of lint. That’s different. That’s practical rubbing.”
“You’re smiling, you’re smiling Cal. I saw it! Come baby, don’t be a dumb newsreader. Let’s just go to…”
“I can’t stay Gin. You know that. Fuck. It’s only okay for you and then... you know."
Gin turned towards the TV. It was the only light in the room. Silent now because she had turned the sound down earlier when she began her ‘talk’.
I hate the way she does that
I love the way she does that.
I turned away to look at something else apart from her face.
The street lights were going on outside.
I pressed the heel of my palm into my right eye and pushed hard.
I could hear her breathing behind me.
I pressed harder.
When I took my hand away, this is what I saw.